How to Use This Script

This script is designed to be read aloud during your coaching session. "You" sometimes addresses you as the coach and sometimes your loved one — just as it would in a natural conversation. Speak it in your own voice; paraphrase where it feels right. Sections in blockquotes are exercises to do together.

You: "We're at Week 11. You've been doing this work for almost three months. And I need to ask you something directly: how are YOU doing? Not 'fine.' Actually."

You: "Because here's what I know from decades of working with supporters: you are being changed by this. Living with someone who carries complex trauma changes your nervous system. It changes your sleep. It changes your vigilance. It changes how you move through the world. And nobody talks about it — because the focus is always on the person with the diagnosis."

You: "There's a clinical term for what happens to people who are in close proximity to trauma survivors: secondary traumatic stress. It was originally studied in therapists, first responders, and healthcare workers. But it applies to you too. Maybe more — because you can't clock out. You don't get supervision. You don't get to go home to a different life."

Signs of Secondary Traumatic Stress:

Hypervigilance — scanning for their mood, walking on eggshells, always 'on alert'
Sleep disruption — difficulty falling asleep, waking when they move, nightmares
Emotional numbing — you've stopped feeling things to protect yourself
Irritability — shorter fuse than you used to have
Isolation — you've pulled away from friends because 'they wouldn't understand'
Loss of identity — you've become 'the supporter' and lost track of who else you are
Intrusive thoughts — imagining their trauma, worrying about what happened to them
Physical symptoms — headaches, stomach issues, fatigue, immune problems
Hopelessness — feeling like nothing will ever change

You: "If you recognize yourself in three or more of those — your nervous system is telling you something. You are not 'fine.' And pretending you are is not sustainable."

Is Your Own History Being Activated?

You: "I also need to ask: do you have your own trauma history? Because proximity to someone else's trauma often activates our own unprocessed material. If you grew up in a chaotic home, if you experienced neglect or abuse yourself, if you have your own attachment wounds — being in this relationship is probably touching those places."

You: "This is not a weakness. It's information. And it might mean you need your own therapeutic support — not couples therapy, not 'support for supporters,' but your own individual work with someone who understands trauma."

Real Self-Care (Not the Instagram Version):

You: "I'm not going to tell you to take a bath or do yoga. Self-care for someone in your position needs to be structural, not cosmetic."

Structural: Regular time that is YOURS — non-negotiable, not dependent on their state
Relational: At least one person who knows what you're going through — friend, therapist, support group
Physical: Sleep, movement, nutrition — the basics that erode first
Nervous system: Your OWN regulation practice — not just helping them regulate
Identity: Something that is YOURS — a hobby, a project, a part of your life that has nothing to do with trauma or caregiving
Professional: Your own therapist. Not optional. Not a luxury. A necessity.

CI Exercise: My Honest Self-Assessment On a scale of 1-10, my current wellbeing is: ____________. The thing I've given up that I miss most is: ____________. The person I was before this relationship/before their trauma surfaced was: ____________. What I need that I'm not getting is: ____________. The one thing I'm going to do for myself this week is: ____________.

CI Exercise: The Six Questions for Supporters Ask yourself these six questions with radical honesty: 1. What am I unwilling to feel? ____________ 2. What am I pretending isn't happening? ____________ 3. What would I do if I weren't afraid? ____________ 4. What am I getting from staying in this pattern? ____________ 5. What is the cost of continuing as I am? ____________ 6. What does my body know that my mind won't admit? ____________ These questions are not comfortable. They are not supposed to be. They are the questions that, when answered honestly, change everything.

What the Research Shows

Secondary traumatic stress (STS) affects 25–50% of intimate partners of trauma survivors (Nelson Goff & Smith, 2005). Research demonstrates that STS in partners follows the same neurobiological pathways as primary PTSD — including HPA axis dysregulation, amygdala hyperactivation, and prefrontal cortex suppression (Bride, 2007). Critically, partner STS is the strongest predictor of relationship dissolution — stronger than the severity of the survivor's symptoms (Lambert et al., 2012). This means that supporting the supporter is not optional — it's essential to the survivor's recovery.

Go Deeper

Window of Tolerance — Your own window matters too

Polyvagal Theory — Understanding your own nervous system states