How to Use This Script

This script is designed to be read aloud during your coaching session. "You" sometimes addresses you as the coach and sometimes your loved one — just as it would in a natural conversation. Speak it in your own voice; paraphrase where it feels right. Sections in blockquotes are exercises to do together.

You: Last week, we talked about the anxiety cycle. This week, we focus on your specific role in it. The most common trap for supporters is becoming an 'accommodation machine.' You do it because you love them and hate to see them suffer. But as we discussed, accommodation is a short-term fix that makes the anxiety stronger over time. Today, we're going to look at your specific accommodation patterns and start building a different response.

You: There are three categories of accommodation. The first is providing reassurance — answering the same worried question for the fifteenth time, telling them it will be okay, promising nothing bad will happen. The second is modifying your own behavior — changing plans, taking over responsibilities, avoiding topics that upset them. The third is facilitating avoidance — driving them away from situations they fear, making excuses for them, or simply not expecting them to do things that make them anxious. All three feel like love. All three backfire.

You: The replacement for accommodation is supportive communication. It has two parts. First, validate the feeling without validating the fear. "I can see you're really scared about this" is different from "You're right, it might go badly." Second, express confidence in their ability to cope. "I know this is hard for you, and I believe you can handle it." That's the whole formula. Validate the feeling, express confidence. It sounds simple. It isn't. We'll practice it today.

You: Let's look at your specific patterns. I want you to think about the last week. How many times did you provide reassurance? How many times did you modify your behavior to accommodate their anxiety? How many times did you help them avoid something? Don't judge yourself — just notice. This is your baseline. We're going to track this over the coming weeks and watch it change.

A Second Lens — Compassionate Inquiry:

You: "Here's a question worth sitting with before next week: When you accommodate, what are you protecting yourself from? Not just them — you. What is it in you that cannot tolerate watching them be anxious? That's not a criticism. It's a genuine question. The answer often lives in your own history."

CI Exercise: The Accommodation Audit When I accommodate [specific behavior], I feel ____________ in my body. If I didn't accommodate, I'm afraid ____________ would happen. The earliest time I learned to manage someone else's distress was ____________.

You: "Write it down. We'll come back to it. The goal isn't to fix anything yet — it's to see the pattern clearly."

Nervous System Regulation Technique — Orienting:

You: "Before we close, let's do a quick regulation exercise. This one is called Orienting. It comes from Somatic Experiencing and works by activating the social engagement system — the part of your nervous system that signals 'I'm safe, I can look around.'

Slowly turn your head to the right. Let your eyes follow. Pause wherever your gaze naturally lands. Notice what you see — really see it, as if for the first time. Then slowly turn to the left. Do the same. Let your eyes rest on something. Take a breath. Notice if your shoulders drop even slightly.

This is what your nervous system does when it feels safe — it looks around. When we're anxious, we stop doing this. We tunnel-vision. Orienting interrupts that tunnel and reminds the body: the threat isn't here right now."

Go Deeper

Polyvagal Theory — The full three-state model and why orienting is a ventral vagal activation technique

Window of Tolerance — The framework that explains hyperarousal, hypoarousal, and the role of the supporter in co-regulation