Talking About Dying
We live in a country that denies death.
Module 4: Talking About Dying
We live in a country that denies death. Most families have never said the word out loud to each other. Your person may be waiting for permission to talk about it. So may you.
Opening Lines
You don't need a speech. You need a door. Try one of these, then stop talking and listen.
"What are you most worried about?"
"What do you want me to know?"
"What would make the time we have good?"
"Is there anything you want to say that you haven't said?"
"Do you want to talk about this, or not right now?"
The last one matters. Some people want to talk. Some don't. Some want to on Tuesday and not on Wednesday. Asking is how you find out.
When the Answer Is No
"Not today" is an answer. Take it without a follow-up question: "All right. I won't bring it up again today." If your person asks you to stop asking altogether: "I'll leave it to you to bring it up." Then do.
What Not to Do
Don't rush to reassure. "You're going to beat this" closes the door.
Don't fill silence. Silence is often where the real answer is coming from.
Don't correct feelings. If your person is scared, angry, or relieved, that is information, not a problem to solve.
Don't hand your person your fear. If you need reassurance, get it from someone else.
Exercise: One Door a Day
Each day, open one door. Write down what you asked and what you heard. If the door stays closed, that is an answer too. Try again tomorrow, unless you've been asked to stop.
Companion Workbook
Module 4: Talking About Dying
Worksheet: One Door a Day
One copy per invitation, or per decision not to ask. Write afterward. Record a refusal without guessing why.
Completed Example: One Door a Day
Fictional example. An adult daughter visits her father.
Worksheet: My Worry, Their Wishes
For yourself, when you feel the urge to persuade. Use what your person has said, not what you think they ought to feel. Take your worry to someone else.
Completed Example: My Worry, Their Wishes
Fictional example. A husband reflects after his wife asks for fewer visitors.