The Coach's Toolkit
Essential cheat sheets, scripts, and guides for navigating challenges.
The Golden Rule
Validate the Emotion, Not the Behavior.
The feeling is always real. The behavior may not be acceptable. Your job is to separate the two — out loud. When you validate the emotion, the nervous system hears: 'I see you.' When you address the behavior separately, you are holding a limit without triggering the abandonment alarm.
Don't Say
- "You're overreacting."
- "I can't deal with you when you're like this."
- "You always do this."
- "That's not what happened."
- "If you don't calm down, I'm leaving."
Do Say
- "I can see you're in a lot of pain right now. I'm here."
- "Your feelings make sense given what you've been through."
- "I'm not going anywhere. I need a 20-minute break, and I'm coming back."
- "I hear that you're scared. What do you need from me right now?"
- "I love you and I don't agree with what just happened. Both are true."
The "Stay, See, Say" Framework
Do not leave the room or withdraw emotionally. Your physical presence is the first intervention.
"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."
Name what you observe in their emotional state — not what you think caused it.
"I can see this is really painful for you right now."
Offer one clear, short statement of connection. No lectures, no logic, no problem-solving.
"You don't have to explain. I'm just going to be here with you."