Module 2: Your Own Window

You can't help your person stay in the window if you are out of it. Supporters brace and dissociate too. Most of the time, they don't know it.

What It Looks Like

Above: heart pounding, jaw tight, talking fast, fixing, researching, arguing with the medical team, unable to stay in the chair.

Below: foggy, numb, forgetting what was said in the last conversation, finding reasons to be in another room, scrolling.

Inside: you can feel what is happening and think about it at the same time. You can stay in the chair.

Exercise: Window Check

Twice a day, and before you walk into your person's room, ask yourself: Am I above, below, or inside? If you are out of the window, come back before you go in.

Feet on the floor. Feel them.

Name five things you can see.

Let one exhale be longer than the inhale. Then another.

Say to yourself what is true right now: where you are, what day it is, who is in the next room.

None of this is a cure. It is a way back in. Use it as often as you need to. You don't have to be calm to sit with your person. You have to be there.

Exercise: Your Own Breakfall

Go back to the moment from Module 1 when you stayed present. What helped? A person, a place, a practice, your own breath? Write it down. That is your mat. Use it.

Ask for a Break

You will need relief. Ask for it in specifics, and ask someone other than your person. "Can you come at four and sit with Luis for fifteen minutes?" gets a yes or a no. "Let me know if you need anything" gets nothing, so don't wait for it. Before you step out, make sure someone is covering if your person wants company.

If Your Person Hurt You

Not every supporter is sitting beside someone who was good to them. If your person abused or harmed you, their dying can bring the old material back at full strength. The body braces or goes numb the way it did then.

You don't have to be there. You don't have to forgive, reconcile, or say goodbye in person. A letter you never send counts. So does a goodbye from a distance, or none at all. If you choose to be there, decide in advance how long you will stay and who takes over when you leave. If old memories are surfacing, get support for yourself from a trauma-informed therapist. This is the time for it.

Companion Workbook

Module 2: Your Own Window

Worksheet: Window Check

Before a visit or during a pause. A note for yourself; your person doesn't need to see it.

Completed Example: Window Check

Fictional example. Pat supports their adult partner, Morgan.

Worksheet: Your Own Breakfall: Support and a Break

Name what helped you stay present once, and the help you can arrange today.

Completed Example: Your Own Breakfall: Support and a Break

Fictional example. Devon supports his adult brother, Luis. Mara is their cousin.