The Goodbye
In the final days, the body withdraws on its own.
Module 7: The Goodbye
In the final days, the body withdraws on its own. Your person will likely sleep more, eat and drink less, and speak less. That is the landing. If your person wants to talk, don't postpone what matters. Saying goodbye doesn't require an answer. If speech is already gone, say what you came to say anyway.
Don't wait for the right moment. The right moment is any moment your person is inside the window.
What to Say
Hawaiian culture has long had a practice for this. Hoʻoponopono ~ "to make right" ~ brings a family together to repair what is broken between them, through prayer, discussion, making amends, and forgiveness. A later self-help adaptation uses four phrases: I'm sorry; please forgive me; thank you; I love you. Palliative care physician Ira Byock offers four phrases of his own: please forgive me; I forgive you; thank you; I love you. You don't need all four. You need the ones that are true. No one owes forgiveness.
Ritual: The Goodbye Circle
If your person wants a goodbye circle, gather the people they want there. A lay witness keeps time and keeps the room steady. Each person who wants to speak says what they came to say, briefly, directly to your person. Your person can answer, or not. Anyone can pass. Stop when your person wants to stop. End with whatever your family does ~ a song, a prayer, a meal, silence. Keep it simple. The point is that it gets said.
For the Ones Who Can't Be There
Someone will be too far away, too sick, or too estranged to come. If your person wants contact, phone or video works. A letter read aloud works. Even when your person can't answer, they may still hear it.
Children and Teens
Children in the family know something is happening. Silence frightens them more than the truth. Use plain words: "Grandpa is dying. His body is wearing out, and the doctors can't fix it." Avoid "going to sleep" and "going away"; young children take those literally.
Let children choose how much to be part of it: a visit, a drawing, a recorded message, a place in the goodbye circle, or staying away. Prepare them for what they will see ~ the bed, the breathing, the quiet. Tell their teachers. Name one adult whose job is the children, so they aren't left in the hallway.
Faith and Spiritual Care
If your person has a faith, a tradition, or a practice, bring it in: clergy, a prayer, a ritual, a song. Hospice teams include chaplains who work with people of any faith or none.
Companion Workbook
Module 7: The Goodbye
Worksheet: Goodbye Circle Plan
Your planning sheet, not a task for your person. Record their choices; write "unknown" where you still need to ask.
Completed Example: Goodbye Circle Plan
Fictional example. Jo supports her sister Mae, who wants a small gathering.
Worksheet: Words That Are True
Draft for yourself. You may share none of it.
Completed Example: Words That Are True
Fictional example. Dev prepares words for Luis. They still disagree about an old argument.