How to Use This Script

This script is designed to be read aloud during your coaching session. "You" sometimes addresses you as the coach and sometimes your loved one — just as it would in a natural conversation. Speak it in your own voice; paraphrase where it feels right. Sections in blockquotes are exercises to do together.

You: "We're entering Phase 3 — integration and relational repair. You've built the foundation, you understand the architecture of complex trauma, and now we're going to work on rebuilding the relationship itself. Starting with the hardest thing: boundaries."

You: "Here's why boundaries are so complicated in complex trauma relationships: the original trauma usually involved boundary violations. Someone crossed lines that should never have been crossed — physical, sexual, emotional, relational. So boundaries are loaded. For your loved one, someone setting a boundary can feel like rejection or abandonment. And for you, setting a boundary can feel like you're 'being mean' to someone who's already been hurt enough."

You: "But here's what I know after decades of working with trauma survivors and their families: relationships without boundaries don't survive. And the absence of boundaries actually replicates the original trauma dynamic — because in the original environment, nobody had boundaries either. The abuser didn't respect them. The non-offending parent couldn't hold them. And the child learned that boundaries don't exist, or that having them means you'll be punished."

You: "So setting healthy boundaries — consistently, compassionately, without cruelty — is actually one of the most healing things you can do. It teaches their nervous system something new: someone can say no and still love me. Someone can have limits and still stay."

Three Patterns to Recognize:

The Wall: "I can't deal with this. I'm done." Complete shutdown. No access. This protects you but abandons them. Their nervous system reads: I'm too much. People leave.

The Doormat: No boundaries at all. You absorb everything — their rage, their withdrawal, their crises — without ever saying "this isn't okay for me." This protects them short-term but destroys you. And it replicates the fawn pattern — teaching them that love means self-erasure.

The Boundary: "I love you AND I can't be spoken to that way. I'm going to take 20 minutes and then I'll come back." Present, clear, compassionate, firm. Their nervous system learns: limits exist AND connection survives.

Boundary Language That Doesn't Trigger Abandonment:

Instead of "I need space" → "I'm going to take 20 minutes. I'll be back. This isn't me leaving."
Instead of "You can't talk to me like that" → "I can hear you're in pain. I can't absorb the words right now. Let's pause and come back."
Instead of "I'm done" → "I'm at my limit right now. I need to take care of myself so I can come back to this."
Always include: the return. "I'll be back." "We'll come back to this." "I'm not going anywhere permanently."

Where YOUR Boundaries Have Collapsed:

You: "Let me ask you some hard questions. Answer honestly — no one's grading you."

Do you cancel your own plans when they're having a bad day?
Have you stopped seeing friends because it 'upsets' them?
Do you walk on eggshells to avoid triggering them?
Have you accepted behavior you'd never accept from anyone else?
Do you feel responsible for managing their emotional states?
Have you lost track of what YOU need?

You: "If you answered yes to more than two of those — your boundaries have collapsed. And I say this with compassion: a collapsed supporter cannot sustain support. You will burn out, resent them, or leave. None of those outcomes serve either of you."

CI Exercise: My Boundary Inventory A boundary I need to set but haven't is: ____________. What stops me is: ____________. What I'm afraid will happen if I set it is: ____________. What's actually happening because I haven't set it is: ____________.

What the Research Shows

Research on caregiver burnout in trauma-affected relationships demonstrates that boundary erosion is the primary predictor of supporter collapse (Figley, 2002). Paradoxically, research on attachment and recovery shows that consistent, boundaried relationships — where limits are clear but connection is maintained — produce better outcomes for trauma survivors than enmeshed, boundary-free relationships (Bowlby, 1988; Herman, 1992). The key variable is not the presence or absence of boundaries, but whether boundaries are paired with reassurance of continued connection (Johnson, 2002).

Go Deeper

Window of Tolerance — Knowing your own limits

Attachment Theory — How boundaries interact with attachment styles